Last night I had the honor and the privilege of sharing the stage with some brilliant and talented local story tellers. I share my life story often but it felt different and special to get up on the mic and share with a room full of strangers. At first I wanted to tell something light because I was always writing about and/or fighting for justice on heavy topics—-surviving child sexual abuse, the violence of poverty, inequities in higher ed, abortion access, etc. I wanted to be funny and entertaining not triggering. I had a whole idea about telling stories about my earrings. But I also am on vacation and didn’t feel like prepping. So I stuck to what I know best. My journey towards myself. My superpower.
I offered a disturbing content warning and then mentioned that I has been watching The Power, a TV series based on Naomi Alderman’s science fiction novel about girls and intersex people around the world evolving to develop a power to defend themselves against sexist and misogynist men. I noted that I was a fan of sci fi and super heroes and that the show made me think of the concept of power. I then shared that I recalled harnessing my internal power at the age of 11 when I found myself pregnant from my abusive father and chose to have an abortion instead of birthing his child. I had very little power but I demanded power over my body and my life in that moment. I have written on this blog before about how traumatic that this period of my life was but I retold it last night because it reminded me how powerful I was as a little girl.
I planned to share all three of my abortion stories as testimony of me asserting power over my reproductive decision making, but decided to skip over the 2nd one for time management sake. We each had 8 minutes so I focused on my 3rd abortion which I had the summer before I was to escape my physically, sexually and emotionally abusive household and the the violence of poverty by heading to college. I had unprotected sex with my then boyfriend. We were using the withdrawal method and to be honest since I was on top, it was feeling especially good and I did not climb off in time. I remember feeling like my body betrayed me. I was finally feeling sexual pleasure and it resulted in a pregnancy. I had fucked up this time but I refused to let this stumble stop me from escaping my circumstance so I had an abortion a week before I left for college. I was still bleeding as I moved into my dorm but I stand by my reproductive decisions.
Then I shared in 1996, I married my wonderful ex husband and I had 3 beautiful children. In 1998, I gave birth to my son Kimathi and I felt like a bad ass after! I could not believe I could push a whole assed human out of my body! But I did and fell instantly in love with him. Then in 2000, I gave birth to Cabral. I was completing my PhD when I had the boys and I was feeling a sense of urgency to finish my dissertation before Cabral arrived. I found myself feeling disconnected from my body so decided to sign up for yoga. Those classes helped me to ground me and lovingly connect with my unborn son, Cabral. He was always a calm baby and we finished my dissertation together! Then in 2003, I had my daughter, Zora. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I was terrified to bring a daughter into this world. But she has been a healing balm and a powerful force in my life.
And I ended my time on the mic but sharing that while I love my children and the family and careers that Cedric and I built over the past 28 years, the little girl in me, Monique, was still in great need of healing and care. I had tucked her away while I operated in survival mode and while I tried to protect others by fighting to end the structural harms that she faced.
I shared that for the past few years, I have been re-parenting myself. I’ve been centering my healing and now pour into myself as much as I pour into others. I surround myself with loving friends and family—who have been my “life doulas”. I work with a caring black queer therapist and other WOC healers to walk with me on this journey towards myself. I am finding my voice and telling my story. I came out as queer—-happy pride, fam! I began traveling solo. I lovingly uncoupled the person I married 26 years ago and am enjoying my autonomy and my own company. I recently I quit my senior level job in the Governor’s office simply to rest after decades of striving in survival mode. I had no safety net and no parents to support me so I could not fail. But I am tired and I am giving myself permission to heal and just be. Yes, it’s a privilege and yes it’s temporary since I do not come from intergenerational wealth but I am deserving. I’m also learning to articulate what I need in life to feel whole and I am reassuring Monique, my inner child and teenager, that it’s safe to come out and play and explore. I feel stronger, softer, and more whole each day. I’m my own super hero—all I’m missing is my cape!
Yes, last night was beautiful. My fellow story tellers were amazing and I can testify that storytelling is healing! Thank you, Ada Cheng!
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