I need to write this now. Before I know the outcome. Before the celebration. Before I even know if there will be a celebration.
Before the possible disappointment of not getting the call.
I'm feeling joy in this moment. I am feeling on edge and fearful but I am joy filled about taking a risk professionally. Besides all the shit talking I do, I'm not a big risk taker.
Never been entrepreneurial. Never gamble.
Never share all of me with any one person.
Never say what I think and how I feel when it needs to be said and especially to those that have power over me.
I play it safe.
This may be hard to believe for some but I'm very cautious. I fear failing. I fear falling. I fear making mistakes. So I am hesitant and over process everything in my head and with others. I worry a lot.
What if I listen to myself? What if I change course? What if I make a mistake? What will others think? What if I say, do, or write what I actually think and feel?
I wake up full of anxiety most days and I stuff it down or breathe through it until it subsides. I do what others say I should be doing although I often silently protest. I resist in the forms of ambivalence, avoidance and being "under" productive.
But today I await the response to my recent risk taking. I listened to this loud little voice inside me, it was Monique, reminding Sekile what her life goals had been way back when. She wanted to be a social worker. She wanted to serve her community. She wanted to help girls and women. She asserted herself, forcing me to not settle for another's life quest.
My child abuse and incest trauma directed me towards a profession that was founded on helping others in crisis and transition. Yet, as I continued with my studies and came in contact with folks who questioned and critiqued my life choices, I cowered and shrunk in the light. I changed course to be like one of them. The intellectuals and scholars. Their eloquence demanded respect and I loved the way they commanded others' attention. I also wanted to be like the well off middle class folks. I didn't want to financially struggle and kept hearing "you won't get paid a lot as a social worker". I knew I couldn't go back home and be a dependent in an unsafe and violent house. No, I refused to return to that hell.
But mostly, I wanted to be seen and heard so I plowed forward on their path thinking it was my path. I worked hard at trying to be them and even when I thought I had perfected emulating them, they still shunned me for not doing it right. I contorted and disguised myself and the toxic process exposed me anyway. Today I thank them for helping me see me for me, for I have been wearing a very heavy mask.
I have been off my path for so long, I almost forgot who I was and what I set out to do with my life. This year, I felt myself cracking under the pressure and began to come undone. The mask was heavy and I needed clean air in my lungs.
So I had a choice to make, go deeper into this false life or take a risk and retrieve myself.
I am no less afraid. I am no less unsure. I am no more clear of my path...but I took the risk and it feels electric! My joy feels bigger than the nagging fear of failure that is ever present. I do hope my phone rings with good news of a new position but I want to cherish this "before" moment of joy. This moment of choosing to do the unthinkable. This moment of not walking away but of choosing to walk toward my light.
Captain's Log: 4.16.15
It's been exactly 5 months since I drafted the post above. I decided not to publish it because it would have publicly revealed that I was on the job market. Well, I never got the call I was waiting for back in November. The university offered to position to another deserving candidate. Instead, I propelled forward and committed to searching for a position, whether inside or outside of higher education, that would bring me joy. There was more disappointment along the way and my emotions have been heightened and conflicted in ways I did not know was possible. I think my turning inward and moving away from many of the activities and people I loved was in some ways acts of self preservation. I just needed to steer all my energy in simply staying alive and staying stable psychologically. By the end of 2015 I was emotionally, psychologically, and physically drained but my spirit is strong and I am determined to live.
It's been 5 months and in those five months I have not only become clearer about my path, I have found another job!!!!!! I remain afraid of the unknown but I feel unstuck and spiritually free. I am living through both my pain and joy in this moment and accepting their coexistence. This is my journey and I have chosen to reroute.
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| this quote helped to propel me forward |
Captain's Log: 4.16.15
It's been exactly 5 months since I drafted the post above. I decided not to publish it because it would have publicly revealed that I was on the job market. Well, I never got the call I was waiting for back in November. The university offered to position to another deserving candidate. Instead, I propelled forward and committed to searching for a position, whether inside or outside of higher education, that would bring me joy. There was more disappointment along the way and my emotions have been heightened and conflicted in ways I did not know was possible. I think my turning inward and moving away from many of the activities and people I loved was in some ways acts of self preservation. I just needed to steer all my energy in simply staying alive and staying stable psychologically. By the end of 2015 I was emotionally, psychologically, and physically drained but my spirit is strong and I am determined to live.
It's been 5 months and in those five months I have not only become clearer about my path, I have found another job!!!!!! I remain afraid of the unknown but I feel unstuck and spiritually free. I am living through both my pain and joy in this moment and accepting their coexistence. This is my journey and I have chosen to reroute.
