Surviving Family: A love note from Monique

Good evening , ya’ll. I am clawing my way toward this 4 day weekend. I plan to lay in my bed, alternate between hugging and fussing at my kids, marathon a few shows and pretend like the copy edits for my book did not land in my inbox yesterday.  In short, I’m spending this weekend in my safe space. In my home, under the covers, wearing sweatpants. But the privileged space of “home” is not safe for everyone. Some of you are traveling home this weekend with knots in your stomach because you have to deal with the sexist/racist/homophobic/transphobic/elitist/ableist/xenophobic/patriarchal/white supremacist/ageist/adultist/capitalist/clueless (pick your combo) assholes whom you are related/connected to. This is hard emotional work and I am grateful to all of you who are walking into dinner table political battlegrounds to help your family members grow into their humanity or at minimum convince them to vote democrat in the primaries and general election  (harm reduction 🤷🏾‍♀️) for our collective sake. 

But some of us have different kinds of knots in our stomachs as we pack our bags or prepare the guest room. Some of us were abused by members of our family/community and were not believed or protected by others who claim to love us. Some of them may have also been harmed and have learned maladaptive ways on being in relationship with people. Others of us must show up as someone we are not and perform as if we are not queer/trans/non binary or depressed/anxious/unwell. We must be both visible and invisible. We are to be normal and not make a spectacle so they can enjoy us. 

Many of us were harmed and/or are still hurting from experiencing or witnessing interpersonal violence—sexual, emotional, physical. Some of our families/communities have not centered our healing, held those who have harmed accountable or worked to restore harmony and balance in our families/communities but still want us to come back home and make the Mac n cheese in the name of family tradition. Some of our families will want to keep conversations light—no politics and no pain shall be processed—in the name of family harmony. 

So for those of you who are traveling and visiting family this weekend, know that I am thinking of you. Know that you don’t owe anyone anything. Your presence is a gift and an opportunity for them to make things right. I hope that this is the year that they begin that healing work with you. You deserve to be heard, seen, respected,and believed. 

Please know that family/community can always be re-imagined and that we are not required to stay connected to systems that harm us or erase our existence. It is ok not to go home. It is not selfish it is self preservation. 

But I also know, that going home and surviving “family” is a reality that many of us are still navigating—especially during this time of year for those of us who live in the US. Family is complicated. Not all pain and not all joy, but instead they are a set of complex relationships. I get it. Your ticket has already been purchased and your bags are probably already packed. 

So fellow survivors, I lovingly offer each of you this small survival guide that I share every year around this time. I hope it helps to get you through the trauma of family. I also hope this visit will be less painful.  Most importantly, I pray that balance and harmony be restored in your lives and relationships beyond these moments of survival. Until then, read here for suggestions on how to guard your spirits: http://iustabemonique.blogspot.com/2017/05/make-plan.html?m=0

With deep love, 

Monique/Sekile

P.S. Sending special hugs to those of you who, like me, chose not to go home but still mourn the loss of family/community connection. 🖤

You have done no wrong. Here are resources if you or someone you know needs support:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: ​1-800-799-7233. Live Chat available at www.thehotline.org

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): ​1-800-799-7233. Live Chat available at www.rainn.org

National Suicide Hotline: ​1-800-784-2433

National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network
nqttcn.com