Recently I have been resisting and in fact rebelling against trying to "sound" smart. I recognize it as Western middle class cultural imperialism and have begun saying fuck you--i may not speak your language but I have shit to say. And right when I think I have recovered from feeling like an imposter and begin feeling myself for the bad ass I am, I stumble in the middle of a speech and I am spiraling downward again. My heart races, I feel small, I speed up, I skip over sections of my paper to get to the end faster. It's like all the self work disappears. Sometimes i catch myself and remember to breathe, sometimes I lie in bed playing it over and over in my head, tossing and turning wondering why I still suck at this thing. But what I will say is this--fuck academia and the damage it does to us (women, first gen, POC, queer, immigrant, people with disabilities, etc) and the way it violently dulls our shine. I'm working to embrace my stumbles and will keep saying what the fuck needs to be said. My people will hear me and those who focus on my articulation and enunciation are not the people I am speaking to in the first place.
I also must remember that my harsh evaluations of myself are often unfounded. Last night, when all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock after I spoke, an audience member walked up to me and thanked me for including my sexual abuse survival in my remarks. She said she was especially grateful that I named it in an academic setting because said she had been sexually assaulted at Northwestern and had not told anyone yet. She said maybe one day we could write about it together. She re-centered me and I affirmed her. I am not here to sound eloquent. I am here to tell the truth. and so are you.
