I enjoyed watching True Detective (E1:S3) last night. It was not a show I generally watch but I have heard good things and love Mahershala Ali so I accepted the invite to watch it.
About 20 minutes in I found myself having to work through a triggering moment during the peep hole scene. My childhood bathroom had one and my father used to look at me undress and bathe when I was in 5th & 6th grade. It was so upsetting. One day when I was getting undressed to bathe, I felt a presence near the door. I looked through the hole and he was on the other side. Eyeball to eyeball. Father and daughter. Father on daughter. Daughter on display without her consent. It was scary and I felt powerless. I have no idea how long and how many times he had been watching me. After that, I would stuff wet toilet paper in the hole and hang clothes on the hook to keep him from looking at me.
As I am typing this post I began to think about my naturist and exhibitionist tendencies and found myself for a split second questioning whether my sexual abuse history is at the root of things that I am into. It is not nor is this line of thinking productive. I recall as a young girl feeling violated by his predatory gaze. When I enjoy being free in my nudity as an adult (generally non sexual) and in my sexuality, I am asserting my power in deciding who gets to see and who can and cannot have access to my body on my terms. I share this caveat because those of us who have sexual trauma histories are often plagued internally and externally with having unconnected dots about our very complex sexual and trauma histories inappropriately connected. Yes, our sexual trauma has impacted our lives and sometimes detrimentally. But we are allowed to have sexual desires, preferences and kinks that are separate from our trauma just like other people have theirs. We are allowed to be free—of shame, guilt and worry—and that includes our sexuality and bodily autonomy.
I do want to say how frustrating and tiring it is be trying to relax and watch a TV show and then be sent spiraling back to a moment where I felt powerless and preyed upon. Triggers are real. Trauma is real. Fuck people who don’t get that realness we are navigating as we try to survive our lives.
I am truly grateful for my survival, especially in the moments when my heart begins to race and the buried memories come flooding back. I am determined to live this life but sometimes must fight to take another breath when I feel the waves of past terrors washing over me. I am grateful for the gift of being able to write through my pain and I look forward to watching episode 2.
