Pregnant with Power (Pour One Out Storytelling Transcript/Recap)

Last night I had the honor and the privilege of sharing the stage with some brilliant and talented local story tellers. I share my life story often but it felt different and special to get up on the mic and share with a room full of strangers. At first I wanted to tell something light because I was always writing about and/or fighting for justice on heavy topics—-surviving child sexual abuse, the violence of poverty, inequities in higher ed, abortion access, etc. I wanted to be funny and entertaining not triggering. I had a whole idea about telling stories about my earrings. But I also am on vacation and didn’t feel like prepping. So I stuck to what I know best. My journey towards myself. My superpower. 

I offered a disturbing content warning and then mentioned that I has been watching The Power, a TV series based on Naomi Alderman’s science fiction novel about girls and intersex people around the world evolving to develop a power to defend themselves against sexist and misogynist men. I noted that I was a fan of sci fi and super heroes and that the show made me think of the concept of power. I then shared that I recalled harnessing my internal power at the age of 11 when I found myself pregnant from my abusive father and chose to have an abortion instead of birthing his child. I had very little power but I demanded power over my body and my life in that moment. I have written on this blog before about how traumatic that this period of my life was but I retold it last night because it reminded me how powerful I was as a little girl.

I planned to share all three of my abortion stories as testimony of me asserting power over my reproductive decision making, but decided to skip over the 2nd one for time management sake. We each had 8 minutes so I focused on my 3rd abortion which I had the summer before I was to escape my physically, sexually and emotionally abusive household and the the violence of poverty by heading to college. I had unprotected sex with my then boyfriend. We were using the withdrawal method and to be honest since I was on top, it was feeling especially good and I did not climb off in time. I remember feeling like my body betrayed me. I was finally feeling sexual pleasure and it resulted in a pregnancy.  I had fucked up this time but I refused to let this stumble  stop me from escaping my circumstance so I had an abortion a week before I left for college. I was still bleeding as I moved into my dorm but I stand by my reproductive decisions.

Then I shared in 1996, I married my wonderful ex husband and I had 3 beautiful children. In 1998, I gave birth to my son Kimathi and I felt like a bad ass after! I could not believe I could push a whole assed human out of my body! But I did and fell instantly in love with him. Then in 2000, I gave birth to Cabral. I was completing my PhD when I had the boys and I was feeling a sense of urgency to finish my dissertation before Cabral arrived. I found myself feeling disconnected from my body so decided to sign up for yoga. Those classes helped me to ground me and lovingly connect with my unborn son, Cabral. He was always a calm baby and we finished my dissertation together! Then in 2003, I had my daughter, Zora. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I was terrified to bring a daughter into this world. But she has been a healing balm and a powerful force in my life. 

And I ended my time on the mic but sharing that while I love my children and the family and careers that Cedric and I built over the past 28 years, the little girl in me, Monique, was still in great need of healing and care. I had tucked her away while I operated in survival mode and while I tried to protect others by fighting to end the structural harms that she faced. 

I shared that for the past few years, I have been re-parenting myself. I’ve been centering my healing and now pour into myself as much as I pour into others. I surround myself with loving friends and family—who have been my “life doulas”. I work with a caring black queer therapist and other WOC healers to walk with me on this journey towards myself. I am finding my voice and telling my story. I came out as queer—-happy pride, fam! I began traveling solo. I lovingly uncoupled the person I married 26 years ago and am enjoying my autonomy and my own company.  I recently I quit my senior level job in the Governor’s office simply to rest after decades of striving in survival mode. I had no safety net and no parents to support me so I could not fail. But I am tired and I am giving myself permission to heal and just be. Yes, it’s a privilege and yes it’s temporary since I do not come from intergenerational wealth but I am deserving. I’m also learning to articulate what I need in life to feel whole and  I am reassuring Monique, my inner child and teenager, that it’s safe to come out and play and explore. I feel stronger, softer, and more whole each day. I’m my own super hero—all I’m missing is my cape!

Yes, last night was beautiful. My fellow story tellers were amazing and I can testify that storytelling is healing! Thank you, Ada Cheng!

Resurrection Sunday: Mi Cerrada

I am not a religious person but am deeply spiritual. I am also someone who falls into blessings. Like the time my friend Thea* came to town and invited me to hang out with her and her BFF, Marta*. I’m a person who connects with people based on their energy and from the moment I met Marta, I felt her fun loving and compassionate energy. I also had a chance to bear witness to her power as a healer that night. In between drinks, snacks, and vibing as fellow Pisces, Marta performed Thea’s Cerrada/bone closing. Thea had recently had her 3rd baby, and Marta was a doula who was trained in this beautiful Mexican post partum ritual that invited the spirit to return to the body after the trauma and stress of birth. It also involved massaging the womb and then tying the womb with rebozos to “close”/realign the pelvic bones. I sat on the couch in amazement that a healing practice like this even existed. I love that it was both sacred but also ordinary in the way Marta and Thea interacted with each other as sister friends. I had not had a child since 2003 but I asked Marta if she could perform one on me. She obliged and did a mini version. I felt cared for and recall feeling the weight of my births, abortions, and sexual abuse trauma lifted. I went home and devoured everything I could read about bone closings and learned that women from all over the world have similar post partum healing rituals. I also learned that the ceremony and practice can be done not just for birth but also for the full spectrum of reproduction and for other aspects of life transition. I felt a sense of betrayal as I realized this is yet another form of women’s power that has gotten erased for so many, particularly those of us who live in the US under capitalism and the medicalization of birth and reproduction.

Last year when I visited Mexico City for my belated 50th birthday, I participated in a Temazcal, a pre-Hispanic ritual of Mexico. I wrote about how I felt spiritually reborn after and it has deeply contributed to my healing from being the person the world told me I should be. This year as I began preparing for my return to Mexico, I became curious about participating in a full Cerrada. I wasn’t quite sure where to begin and decided to reach out to Marta to see if she knew where I could go. But then it hit me that Marta knew my story—my sexual trauma story, my abortion story, my birthing story, my relationship story, my career story and my story of my journey towards myself. So I called her with a sisterly ask and she sweetly said yes to my request. We decided that Easter Sunday, a day associated with the season of fertility and rebirth would be the perfect day for her to perform my Cerrada.

Our time together began in a very ordinary way. She came to my place with all her supplies and calming spirit. We chatted like sister friends do as she cut the tops off of several bouquets of flowers and boiled a pot of herbs for my baño. I made us some Jamaica/hibiscus tea. As we sipped our tea, I learned how she came to become a doula and was reminded that beccoming a doula had also been a goal of mine that I had put on the back burner with other hopes and dreams. I also learned that she was becoming a midwife and I recalled the pleasure of having midwives for my 2nd and 3rd birthing processes. We talked about being mamas and about being committed to work that felt affirming and energizing, not depleting. She was tender and caring. I wish I had snapped a picture of her standing in her power in my kitchen.

After a while she called me back to my room. There were candles lit everywhere and my room and bathroom smelled heavenly. I walked into my bathroom and the bath was full of the rose and calendula blooms she had pruned while we were chatting earlier. The herb infused water was the color of tea and there were sprigs of rosemary around the borders of my bath tub. She told me that she prepared different  baños for each person and that mine had herbs and flowers that invited healing and protection. She invited me to undress and step into the warm, flower filled tub. 

After I was settled in she began talking to me about my journey towards myself. My personal and professional life transitions, my traumas, my victories, my areas of struggle and my oppurtunities for growth and healing. She encouraged me to feel what I needed to feel as she “whipped” my body with a bundle of rosemary branches. She said that during the reproductive process, particularly birthing or other forms of womb trauma, our spirits leave the body. The  baño and skin stimulation was inviting the spirit to return. I have been briefly naked in front on my friends and lovers but I rarely have been this naked and vulnerable before.  I have gained over 20 pounds in the past 2 years and have not been feeling comfortable in my body lately. Not because I am fatphobic but more because I am disappointed that I have let the world and life stress “win” again. But, I have begun being more self compassionate and have been revisiting the way I frame my tendency to numb myself and cocoon under my covers to protect myself when I don’t feel safe or feel overwhelmed. I have tried not to feel shame when I use these survival skills but instead am learning to become aware when I don’t feel safe and explore what I need to get and be safe. I felt safe with Marta. Not once did I feel over exposed under her care. In fact I felt quite free. I felt like an innocent and trusting child being given a bath by a caring adult—a reality that I can’t say I’ve had when I actually was a child.

She continued to talk to me and the tears fell. She noted that I was on a healing journey and that I am now dabbling in my “rebellious teen” years. Those exploratory years were cut short for me as the over responsible oldest child and as a sexual abuse survivor who felt like damaged goods. She noted that my “inner child” still needed healing and reminded me that I had survived and that I was safe. It was both a heavy and a light moment. My tears mixed well with the sweet smelling water in my bath tub.

After my baño, she invited me to lay naked on my bed, which now had 4 rebozos laid across it. First she massaged my body with clarysage starting with my feet. Then she externally massaged my uterus and manipulated my pelvic bones to close them physically and spiritually. Then she massaged my upper body and head. After massaging each section she would tie that section with a rebozo. I felt lovingly mummified or cocooned. I felt protected and safe. I felt like soft air. 

 It felt like time had stood still. When she arrived it was daylight but I realized it was dark when she finished. Marta had explained what would happen during my Cerrada in our prep call but I had no idea what spiritual journey I would be going on. I felt so grateful to her as Latina for sharing her healing practices with me as a Black woman. It felt like a gift of Brown-Black solidarity that I will carry with me forever. She labored over me and poured into me. It was magical.

After she finished, she collected the flowers from my baño and said that I could bury them or make and offering at the Lake. Of course, being the mermaid that I am, I chose the lake offering. Her, being a fellow Pisces, said she figured that would be my choice. So the next morning, I got up and walked to the beach. I threw the flowers in the water but not far out enough. Most of them washed right back onto the shore so I began to pick them up one by one and toss them out farther. 

Then all of sudden 4 geese appeared in the water and went directly into the area where all my flowers were. I wasn’t sure if geese liked to eat flowers but they went straight  towards where they were all floating. I have been going to this particular beach for years and have never seen geese there. I was so intrigued by their sudden appearance that I decided to look up the symbolism for geese. One of the most frequent ones I found was that they symbolize PROTECTION, which was aligned with Marta’s message to me the night before. She told me that I was safe and that I was protected! The visit from the geese felt like a serendipitous ending to a beautifully healing experience. 

I believe we all need healing and tender moments like this in our lives. Moments where our spirits are being invited to return to our  bodies. Caring hands massaging and kneading healing deep into our bones. Intentional pauses from life to explore our feelings and thoughts deeply. Instead we are often forced to just push through life and hope time will make it all fade away. That had been my strategy for most of my life. I also spent a considerable amount of time caring for others and ignoring the fact that the child in me had not been cared for and the adult I had become was in need of deep care. I needed to begin this blog in 2014. I need massages regularly and to dance wildly to stay in my body. I needed to begin therapy in 2015 and then again in 2018. I needed to begin taking solo vacations so that I could sit with and discover myself. I needed to be reborn in the Temazcal last year. I needed my spirit to return to my body during my Cerrada this year. And I will continue to pour into my healing for the rest of my time on earth because hard lives need soft spaces.

I don’t mean to romanticize Cerradas but for me, having intentional time to be embodied and having someone hold space for me to come apart and put myself back together spiritually was beautifully healing. Survival is life long. We need pauses. We need time. We need safe, loving, and power filled hands laid on our bodies.  We need words of encouragement and reassurance. We need time for and commitment to restoration. 

Muchas gracias, Marta, for holding my hand and walking me home to my spirit so that I could journey anew. You are a blessing.

More on Bone Closing/Cerrada: https://www.theeducatedbirth.com/articles/bone-closing-ceremony-what-it-is-and-where-it-comes-from

Author’s note: As I said previously, please engage in non-predatory ways when being gifted access to other people’s cultures and spiritual traditions.

*Names have been changed to protect my friends’ badassery

Day 1: Rebirthing

 

Written 2.18.22

I don’t know if this is a blog post, a journal entry, a travel diary entry, or an essay-I just know I needed to lay these words, emotions and thoughts down before the sun rose this morning. Thank you in advance for allowing me to share the spiritual journey I went on last night and the clarity and comfort it has brought me.

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I turned 50 last year but COVID meant I could not have the 50th birthday party turn up that I had been dreaming up in my wild woman head since before the pandemic. I had planned an over the top celebration. I wanted a night filled lots of food, friends and no kids allowed debauchery. I had even begun looking at places to rent. I wanted it to almost have a carnival or festival feel complete with booths and performers—- hula hoops, bubbles, a taco truck, booths with my friends selling their vintage, cannabis, and natural beauty products, some go-go dancers, a baton twirler, a couple of tables set up for donations to the Chicago Abortion Fund and the Chicago Community Bond Fund, and there was also going to be a weed rolling station with someone rolling for my guests who partake. I joked that it would be clothing optional and I imagined it would be a sensual event though I had been toying with a track suits and sequins theme, too. I had planned to be the night’s headliner and wanted to surprise my beloved audience with a burlesque routine and then we’d dance all night to my favorite party songs from the past 5 decades….but then I thought about amount of labor that would be needed to make this “Night of Divine Debauchery” happen and then realized that as I turned 50, what I needed most was rest and solitude. Apparently, this is 50.

So I decided that a solo trip was a better adventure to engage in to kick off the second 1/2 of my century and as of yesterday, a week before I turn 51, I have kept my 50th birthday promise to myself. Instead of spending time and money planning a party, I have spent the past few months planning a trip to Mexico City. For some, traveling solo may feel typical. But for me—someone with a working class background who never had the privilege of traveling for vacations as a child, the vast majority of my adult travel has been for work or for family trips. Women and femmes also must navigate our safety wherever we go and so planning a solo trip also helped me to work through my anxieties about being sexually assaulted or harmed when traveling alone. But here I am, in Mexico City, feeling fancy and free!

As I planned this trip, I decided to organize each day around a theme. I decided it was OK if I strayed from my plans but daily themes helped me to develop an itinerary for the week. Yesterday, was my first day here and was planned as my “Healing Day”. It was a day that left me feeling “full” as my Grannie’s sometimes says. My first healing practice was just to simply sit on the small terrace outside my airbnb and twist my hair while I let the morning sun melt all the stress of my “hurry up and finish so you can go on vacation” work week. I then got a much needed back massage and chiropractic realignment done by a young man who I am sure had magic in his hands. Whew, Chile, back cracked! 

Each of these healing practices alone constituted a perfect day as far as I was concerned. I felt no need to rush or over schedule myself. But I did want to do some deeper healing work and so late yesterday afternoon I joined a group of other travelers/strangers to participate in my first Tezmecal. Tezmecals are pre-hispanic indigenous Mexican healing ceremonies or rituals where a healer guides you through a spiritual journey while inside a tezmacal, which is a dome made of clay and earth and has very hot stones and herbs in the center to create an extremely hot and steamy environment. Our guides referred to Temazcales as the womb of Mother Earth. The rituals generally last between 1-2 hours and differ in ceremonial format depending on what region of Mexico the healer/guide is from. Our healer, Huituzi is Zapotec Nahaul and conducted our Temazcal in the Zapatec-Mayan tradition.

To begin, our guide served us Mexican cacao and then instructed us to pick herbs from a nearby medicinal garden to bring with us inside the Temazcal. He explained that we are all uniquely drawn to the plants that are designed to heal our individual illnesses. I tend to be energized and comforted by flowers so I picked herbs that had a blossom or a floral scent. He read the flowers we eac chose to offer an individualized healing message for each of us as we entered the Temazcal. When it was my turn he welcomed me back though it was our first time meeting and my first Temazcal.Yes, I was shook! He then said that everything that was supposed to happen will happen, and reminded me to get free and cry and even scream if I needed to. I entered into the darkness and sat along the curved wall feeling unsettled but prepared to go on the journey. Our spiritual guide said that the Temazcal allowed us to return to the darkness to grapple with the darkness and warrior within each of us and that it provided us with an opportunity to be reborn to face life’s battles. 

Once inside, he began feeding the pile of coals and reminding us of the mindset and spiritual journey we should allow ourselves to go on. He said to set an intention and mine was simply to transcend my preconceived limits of my capacity to endure heat and discomfort and to give into this process so that my heart and mind can open up to receive whatever the universe offers me. In the darkness he passed around bowls of aloe pieces and Mexican honey for us to rub on our skin and to taste. I rubbed both all over my body from head to toe. As he chanted and shared stories of the spirit animals that walked with us on this journey, he challenged us to give into this process. I turned inward and embraced the literal and figurative darkness of the space I was in. I found a pattern of breathing that was calming and maybe even energizing in hindsight. I began lightly massaging my arms, legs, shoulders, face, back, belly and breasts. The honey and aloe felt wonderfully slippery not sticky. I would sometimes even take the two pieces of aloe, that I had stuffed into my bathing suit and rub them along my skin. They were no longer cool but the slipperiness produced a calming effect for me. When the air felt heavy and hot, I changed positions by pressing against the wall for a cool spot or lowered or opened my hips to get closer to the cooler dirt floor or turning onto my side. It was when I turned onto my side that I realized I was using the same strategies I has used when I gave birth to my 3 children. No one was instructing me to, but somehow, when I listened to my body, it told me how to care for myself-movement, deep breathing, and self massage—all healing practices. It was pitch black inside so at one point, I even took one of my aloe pieces and slipped it into my bathing suit to put directly onto my vulva. It had been harmed and violated for much of my childhood and I felt the aloe was a wonderful way to offer it care and for me to allow my whole body to engage in the healing process. I was definitely uncomfortable covered in honey, aloe, sweat and dirt and under a blanket of intense heat in a very crowded space but somehow I also was at peace. I stuck my herbs in my hair so that I could use both hands to caress myself and keep my spirit calm as the temps and humidity continued to rise. I found myself smiling and licking my lips to taste the honey that was now dripping from my face. I moaned but noticed that they sounded similar to my moans of pleasure not those of the pain. I could hear others breathing as well-some deep and some shallow. We were in community in this moment. Our guide invited us all to cry and scream if we needed to. I was floating and the intense emotions and sensations I was feeling produced both a euphoric high and a deep calm. I felt powerful but also tender. I felt alive. 

Our guide then invited us to be vulnerable if we wished and to share if we needed to ask for forgiveness from someone. As people shared, he would provide wise counsel. His words to me after I shared who I hoped would forgive me were comforting and reassuring. A young man who was sitting a few spots to my right suddenly said he was feeling overwhelmed but said he thinks it was because he needed to scream and let out the emotions he was holding. Our guide invited him to scream. His wails and howls were intense and soon others joined. I just smiled at the beauty of our collective humanity in that moment. Hearing and feeling the vibrations of their screams and cries was really intense since the space was tight, small, pitch black, and extremely hot. I am pretty sure if someone had told me that I would have to hold this kind of space for a group of strangers, several of them white and privileged, before this moment, I may have not participated. But I felt nothing but joy, pleasure and gratitude because we all deserve spaces where we can just let go and be wild without judgement. I later overheard him talking to one of our guides after our Tezmecal and he said he struggled to let out his emotions when we were inside. The guide said,  “yes because out in the world, we are not allowed but inside the darkness and freedom of the Tezmecal, you were safe”. I also understood this as the way masculinity hurts men and prevents them from being emotionally whole and it made me happy he had that moment of refuge. His vulnerability allowed others in our group to also release all that they were holding.

And right when I thought I could not endure the intense heat and raw emotions any longer, our spiritual guide passed us oranges!! To be taken to a spiritual and physical point where you have never been and then be cared for with such tenderness so that you could journey on further, shook me to my core. This was akin to doula work or labor support during childbirth in my humble opinion. I thankfully ate the orange and its rind and settled back into my meditative space. 

I will confess that I was initially worried if I would even make it through to the end. At first I was thinking I should strategically sit by the door as I crawled into the unknown darkness of the Tezmecal but as I kept checking in with myself,I  realized I was actually OK. I wasn’t sure if I had lasted 15 minutes or 50 but I was aware I was no longer holding onto my anxieties about being able to endure this particular level of heat as a 50 year old (peri?)menopausal woman. I remember being out of my head and living in my body in a really intentional way during the whole experience and hanging onto every word, chant, and ritual our healer lovingly shared with us. This newfound practice of “getting out of my head and into my body” is one that I have been striving for as someone who historically has had to numb myself/dissociate in order to survive trauma and stress. As a kid dealing with the violence of child sexual abuse, I would use TV and books to leave my body/unsafe family environment to escape. I learned to zone out/dissociate and be hyper productive, which provides no space to feel, and sadly I sometimes am forced to still use these survival strategies in my adulthood. Dancing is one of few experiences where I have felt in my body throughout my life and I often return to dance when I am feeling disconnected and in need of grounding. I now work hard to stay in my body and to unapologetically name my pain (and pleasures) in order to decide what I need to feel safe, heard, cared for, and loved. If you know me well, you know I do not glorify or impose mothering/reproduction onto others but I do recall living in my body when I birthed my 3 children. There was immense pain and discomfort but I felt embodied and empowered during their births. There was pain and distress when I ran in marathons, too, but I intentionally checked in with my body throughout my races, to assess what care my body needed or to decide when I could/should/would push it further. In these moments, and last night, I thanked my body and spirit for showing up for me in ways I did not know it/I had capacity. Being embodied in stillness for me was a new and powerful sensation.

When we finally re-entered into the world anew, I knew. I gently stood up into my power and embraced the coolness of the night time sky. I accepted the gift of tea that our shaman offered us. Then I expressed deep gratitude to my spiritual guides/doulas for sharing their sacred healing ritual and the wisdom of their ancestors with me as an outsider. I marveled that I had survived. As I reflected on how I survived, the words of Audre Lorde floated towards me—“We can learn to mother ourselves”. I was indeed reborn. This is healing. This is freedom.

More on Temazcal: https://local.mx/donde-comprar/bienestar/temazcales-ciudad/

Author’s note: It took me over a year to share this piece because I wanted to be respectful of indigenous traditions, peoples, and lands that have a long a harmful history of being exploited and sullied by outsiders. 

I am reminded of María Sabina of Huautla de Jiménez in the Sierra Mazateca who shared the healing power of mushrooms with Western outsiders and the ways Westerners exploited her, her community, and their sacred rituals. Temazcals are going mainstream in touristy parts Mexico but I hope that folks tread lightly and respectfully when traveling and remember that it is a gift for someone to share their culture with us. I am deeply grateful for the journey I went on but do not condone cultural appropriation. 

Meditation on Mourning

 Woke up this morning with some clarity about my tears that fell on Friday when I learned of my father’s/abuser’s death. Mourning. Not his death, but mourning what my birth family could have been—at the very minimum,  safe. Mourning my childhood innocence. Mourning not having parents who were loving and affirming. Mourning not getting a good night’s sleep until I was away at college. Mourning not being close to my siblings. Mourning not being able to go home for holidays and summer breaks or to see my childhood friends or enjoy my favorite places to eat. Mourning having to be fiercely independent and working myself to death in order to become “economically self sufficient” because I had no emotional safety net that would allow me to “fail” and figure out my next steps at home. Mourning that when I left at age 18, I could never look back. Mourning not having power of how and when I was touched as a child. Yes, I am grateful that I have survived. Yes, I am grateful  that I was able to create a beautiful life for myself  but every once in a while I must create and be granted soft spaces to mourn. This is survival. 

Rams in the Bush

 I’ve been off of FB for the past week to make sure I hit a writing deadline. Decided to jump on yesterday after a grueling work week and found this screenshot from my younger sister. 

She was cautiously updating me that she had been contacted by our  paternal aunt, who we’ve never met, to share that our father/my abuser, had died last Saturday. I told her I thought he had died years ago and that I wish him well in hell for the 2nd time. Then I checked on her to see how she was doing, though I knew our energies were aligned when I read her righteous response “We don’t want the body”.  Still I know our parents’ abusive behaviors have fucked my younger siblings up in some way and my oldest sibling heart breaks daily knowing that I could not protect them from harm when we were younger and after I left for  college. 

                                                          

I guess I’m here to testify once again that traumas are real AND that triggers are real AND that yesterday’s news definitely sent me spiraling. I’m also here to testify that my inner circle held me yesterday. At first my body went numb and I tried to just float away while I watched TV. This has been a coping mechanism for me since I was a kid. I’d “escape” my reality and travel to other worlds via Star Trek or fantasize about being a super shero like Wonder Woman or Princess Leai who kicked mofos’ asses or I’d become part of a safe, loving and well functioning family like “The Cosby’s” 🤦🏽‍♀️. This numbing/dissociative strategy worked for a bit yesterday but my current healing practice has been to allow my feelings in and deal with them. I wasn’t ready so after awhile I ratcheted up my numbing by emotional eating. I remember at some point becoming aware that I was heart hungry not food hungry and what I really wanted was a hug. Damn you, mindfulness! My old ways of surviving were not working so I began texting my family, friends and my therapist. They all responding with care and compassion though some shared that they didn’t quite know what to say. I acknowledged that there aren’t any Hallmark cards for people’s fathers who died who had also been their abusers. I decided that I would give them grace and did not feel unsupported when they didn’t say the “right” things because I didn’t even know what to say or how to feel. 

Some tried to call to check on me right away but I was still wanting to sit in my numbing space and wasn’t quite ready to feel or process the full heaviness of it all yet. But at some point I began struggling to find oxygen. I could feel the pain and tears bubbling up into my throat and I knew texts were not enough. When my childhood BFF, Akilah Monik, asked me if I needed to talk, I accepted her gift. No strong black woman here. I knew needed softness and connection. And because she has known this particular pain the longest, I felt safe coming undone. In fact, my tears began to fall right at that moment of texting, “yes, I would like to talk”. I felt myself return to my body but I also remember feeling surprised at how hot and deep the pain felt almost 35 years since the last time my father sexually violated me. It felt like fresh wounds again. Like I hadn’t “healed” one bit. Like I hadn’t spent pages upon pages journaling or hours upon hours in therapy. I was 5 again. 10 again. 16 again. But I needed to come undone again. I needed to be allowed to sit in my pain again even when I didn’t know why or what I was feeling. I gave myself permission. To feel the rage, the sadness, the neglect, the loneliness, the forced independence, the years of not knowing what love and safety were, the years of internalized slut shaming and suppressed sexuality and desire, and the loss of my family system, my sibling relationship and my home town. I opened the flood gates and chose to feel it all. 

I am so grateful that she  created a tender space for me to release it.  She said she was happy to be my “ram in the bush”. My heathen ass pretended to know what that Biblical reference meant and we laughed about it but she said she understands it to mean, being granted a choice/space that provides some ease and comfort. She was my ease and my comfort last night. The place where I could crumple. My ram. 

I also am deeply grateful for the other loving texts, attempted calls, and offers to stop by and care for me. I have accepted that  I may always walk with this pain but I also now walk with a safety net of care and love. And for that I am eternally grateful. We all deserve to have places to ease into our softness and work through our pains in this life