My heart has been heavy since the evening of March 5th when I learned that a person that I loved, respected, and appreciated dearly had passed. I cried a river for 24 hrs but then did what I have always had to do to survive—I stuffed down my emotions and kept carrying on. But my life is forever changed knowing that I will never see him again.
My heart sunk even further when I learned that his memorial in Maryland was on the same day as my daughter’s graduation in Wisconsin this past Saturday. I thought maybe I could attend his burial ceremony today in Pennsylvania but worried about my knee on the plane ride. So I decided to create my own memorial service to celebrate his life.
Mr. Carson’s favorite animal was the rhino so I decided to go to the Zoo to celebrate his life. When I got to the rhinos, I imagined him beside me rattling off 100+ fun facts about all things rhino. There were 2 out today and they were majestic. I planned to head to the conservatory next but it was closed. I found a spot to sit near by in a grove of pine trees. We’re both from NC so seeing the pine needles on the ground felt like home. I gave myself permission to sit with my deep heart ache and feel my deep love for him. He was not my father. In fact, I kept social distance between us and never stopped calling him Mr. Carson. But after years of healing from child sexual abuse, I came to receive and appreciate his care as fatherly and safe. Two words that have never co-existed in my life until the universe gifted him to me. He was always the first and last person I saw when I went to Baltimore. He has been there for all of my milestones and the pics he took over the years now feel even more precious. He was truly a healing force in my life and he helped me to access a deep love that I didn’t know existed within me. I wish that I told him how much I adored him when he was alive. He was such a beautiful human. He stood in the gap and showed up for me over and over again for the past 33 yrs. But my traumatic past and fear of being harmed again by an adult/man kept a wall between us. I can still hear him saying with an approving nod, “Yup, you’ve got a good one here” after reading my essay for my Ohio state grad school app. I can still see him strap the bike he built for me to his car as he drove me to Ohio. I can still see him sitting in the front row at Morgan with his camera in hand, when I returned last year to speak on a panel on Black women in higher ed. I can still taste the giant crab cake from the restaurant he took me to the last time we spent time together. He kept me under his wing and on course and he always cheered me on! I also admired his joy for life—-a camper, a cyclist, a photographer, a community gardener, a lover of the blues & jazz, a proud father and a loving grandfather. He showed me the way to care for others at work and at home and he showed me how to savor life!
I let the tender memories in and my tears fall. But as I passed some beautiful dogwood trees in bloom—the NC state tree—on my way back to my car, my heart smiled open. I know love and the beauty of human connection. Thank you, Mr. Carson, for all that you did for so many in this life. Thank you for helping me to access/ receive love and safety. I miss you already but I happy you are at rest.
*****
Contributions in Mr. Carson’s memory may be made to Susquehanna Habitat for Humanity or the Greater Baltimore Urban League💐
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