We are Aaliyah.

Sorry ya'll but please do not listen to our girl Jada this time around! I  am not watching this docu series and I damned sure am not doing so with my children! It will be triggering AS FUCK for me and I would rather spend our time together differently. They know my story as a survivor of incest and they are well aware that sexual violence exists. They have been raised to respect others’ humanity. As children of a sexual abuse survivor (who also is a Black woman), they also have experienced me parenting out of fear for their safety. My daughter has bore the brunt of my worry but my sons have also been taught about consent and boundaries from the very beginning. They have hugged me during PTSD induced break downs. They have witnessed the flashbacks. They have seen my tears fall decades after my abuse. They know I am in therapy and see first hand the damage sexual violence causes someone. They tell me which movies with rape scenes to avoid. I don’t/can’t hide my pain. 

We can also teach our children by being vulnerable and honest about our experiences with dating and sex. Like Aaliyah, I also was preyed upon by older guys when I was a teen. Anyone who knows me from Providence knows that I slept with an “older guy” (read: a man!) as a  teenager. My childhood friends will remember when I was 14, a popular local DJ asked me for my number at a skating rink. I was flattered and we had consensual sex. But I was 14. He was 21. When I used to visit him he’d say “If my mother asks, say you’re 18”. Even though I consented to see him, he knew what he was doing as an adult was wrong. He was highly skilled at picking up his next PYT from the DJ booth. It took me years to realize that relationship was inappropriate and illegal. I'm still working on getting the piercing of slut and hoe out of my ears and psyche. I wonder what derogatory names his boys and his community called him. We don't need to turn the TV on. We are Aaliyah. And sadly, we are R Kelly. 

Still, you should not feel pressured to talk to your kids about shit that you are still healing from. Put your oxygen mask on first. I told my kids after years of me healing and processing my shit. Also, if you have not received the support and validation you need as a survivor, then I am not sure processing this disturbing content with your children will be helpful for anyone. If you are still growing in your  understanding or own complicity of rape culture then pace yourself. Read deeply and listen hard with an open mind and heart. If you have harmed someone sexually then your humanity is not intact. Seek help-we need you to evolve. Hear us! See us! Value us! Undo what you have been taught directly or indirectly about dominance, power, violence, sexuality, and masculinity. Shift and grow so that you do not deliver the wrong messages to children and teens or worse--harm them. You want to break the cycle we all have been taught about “fast girls”, “boys being boys” and "trans people who 'tricked you'".

When, how and where do healthy discussions start? They are every day and ongoing. We can start by talking about sex, sexism, and bodily autonomy when children are young. We can respect their choices to not kiss and hug people they don’t want to. We can use the proper names for all body parts. We can create a safe and nonjudgmental environment to talk about intimacy, sex and healthy sexuality. WE CAN LEARN & TEACH CONSENT and DESIRE. We can respect and believe girls and help them grow into their power. We can hold our boys/sons/brothers/fathers/uncles/grandfathers/pastors/priests/coaches/idols accountable and help them to grow into their humanity. 

Fuck R Kelly and the R Kelly apologists but they are not where the work of being humane begins or ends. 

Rest in Power, Aaliyah. I see you. 

we gon' be alright

For the past few weeks I have been nervous about how I was going to be able to give my nephew a "better life" here in Chicago. I am fairly new to the area and have no idea how to go about finding him a job or internship. I'm excited but want to truly "help" him.

 I woke up to his Facebook post reflecting on his life as a black boy and boldly stating that he was living in spite of what the world has said about him!  He also expressed gratitude for where he had come from but noted it was time for him to move on and begin his new life.

His post was like bright sunshine. His words clarified my perspective so fiercely that he blinded me with his brilliance.  As I reread his post tears streamed from my eyes. It was as if our lifelines were connected, like two strikes of lightening that criss cross for a second. He, like me, knew when it was time to go. to get FREE. But most importantly, HE doesn't need ME to "help" him. He is helping himself. He is self determined. He is a survivor. He is my blood. We are cut from the same cloth. I am supporting him but he is his own man. He is charting his course. Shining so very brightly. 

There's an eeriness in the air when a person makes up their mind. There is a look in their eyes that says it all. An intensity that makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck.  They don't need to be pushed, cajoled, or  encouraged. They don't need role models or mentors. They are brave and driven,  and yes, they still need praise from others. But they themselves have decided to move through world taking big steps. Determined. He has that look in his eyes. 

So as I wait for his plane to land and my family circle to grow wider all I can say is I'm so proud of my nephew, for he is truly growing into his fullest being. I also am deeply humbled that I am here to bear witness to his life affirming journey...and we gon' be alright!