Interview on Surviving Sexual Abuse with Allena Sindler

This interview was conducted in 2018 by a Northwestern University student who was 

using it as source material to create a performance piece. Allen Sindler's "Heal CTA" 

premiered at Chicago's 2018 PEACEBOOK festival and was recently accepted for the

2019 "Mother Moon" festival in NYC. I am honored to have been part of her healing

art. It was also healing for me to reflect on my own journey and theorize

 from a place of pain. 

Note: I made some minors edits to the original transcript but kept it as close to the 
original as possible.

Dr. Sekile Nzinga-Johnson Interview

INNER PEACE

Inner peace, for me, is really not a destination but a process and a practice, it is something 

you claw at everyday. The reason I say claw, is because life is really hard. You have to fight 

to stay alive. You have to fight to decide to stay here. For me, one of the ways I fight is trying 

to figure out what is joy filled in my life. Not foregrounding my pain, not backgrounding my 

pain, but just letting the pain live right there and out loud. I’ve also been really really fortunate 
to have my life since those traumatic events be very joy filled. For me, that’s what has been 

my inner peace. 

I know that I’m lucky because for someone else, they might have had another round of trauma. 

It’s difficult for me now, so I can’t imagine what it would be like if I got hit with something else.

 I live often in a state of terror because I have a daughter, and I say to myself “please don’t let 

anything happen to my daughter,” but knowing there’s a high chance that it could because of the 

world that we live in. So, I live in this state of terror, praying, because that would undo me. 

I’ve put myself together well enough to make it, but if another round hit me, then my fragile 

notion of inner peace would surely be dismantled. 

That's what I mean when I say we have to claw at life and fight at life. I don't know if it’s peace 

so much as it is struggle to stay here. I’ve had some really shitty things happen to me, but I’m 

still here. Right? And I want to live. And if I want to live, then I got to find some other stuff to help 

me stay sane in all of it. I really don’t know, but I can’t necessarily say that it’s a peaceful place 

so much as a place of acceptance and contentment. But I also think that space of inner 

peace is really hard to get to when you’re hit over and over again by violence. So maybe it’s 

not sexual violence but the violence of poverty, the violence of racism, violence of homophobia. 

There are so many forms of violence, and we tend to forefront one or the other, but so many 

people are being hit by so many forms of violence that it’s hard to reach this notion of inner peace. 

There’s a line from this movie called Sankofa and there’s a woman, an African woman who was 

enslaved and her name was Nunu. There was, I think this line she would say, “this is just the flesh, 

you can’t touch my spirit, my spirit is in Africa.” So when she, well I won’t spoil the thing, but I 

remember that really stuck with me. That distinction between what happened to my flesh and

what happened to my spirit. And I don’t practice any religion but I think about that, and I use that 

metaphor in my life. 

When I think about being a professor and what it was like for me struggling to get tenure and all, 

navigating this often hostile climate as a black woman, I would think about what happened to me 

in my childhood. What I was going through and I would put it in perspective. Like actually this is 

not real, this is the Matrix--fiction, a fabricated world! This is not pain, that was pain. Like this feels

 painful because it’s horrible and people are ridiculous and assholes for no reason but this is not 

real right? That was real pain. So I use it, I use the pain to ground me, too. All this other stuff is 

smaller than that. 

I think people can find inner peace by tapping into this spirit and also thinking about taking things 

into perspective. Those are kind of like strategies that I use, but I think inner peace is a practice. 

Like you literally have to practice it, remembering the joy, because sometimes the pain is so big 

and so multifaceted that it can make you forget. And that’s why it makes sense for some people 

to have spiritual practices to kind of remind them, like “what do I have to be grateful for?” And I 

guess the challenge for me in saying what I’m saying to you now is, that some people say you 

should only focus on that. “Well look you’re still alive! Look you didn’t die” So sometimes people 

use spirituality and religion to minimize people’s pain. I don’t want you to think that’s what I’m 

saying. I think your pain gets to sit right where it needs to sit, and no one can tell you where 

you’re supposed to put it because it hurts. Anyone who is like “I wish you could talk about it 

and move on,” No. It takes a lot of work to put that pain in perspective, especially if it’s happening

 multiple times. And for most women it’s happened more than once in their lives. And so they hold 

all that guilt because they think well I did something. So inner peace is very you know um, 

hard to get at. It is an active practice, it is not a destination. And I don’t blame anyone who hasn't

begun their journey yet because there’s a lot of shit that folks are working through to hold onto it, 

you know? Yea. 

HEALING 

Sexual trauma can look different for different people. Everyone has a different experience, and no

two people’s healing looks the same, but I think that healing, in general, from trauma, sexual or

other forms of violence is cyclical and enduring. I don't think that we ever quite heal, I think that 

you can be feeling very well for a decade, and there can be a moment that takes you back to the 

moment of victimization. And so part of it is knowing, and being aware of what your experience 

has done to you psychologically and physically. Having the support to be able to heal and to be 

authentic about what is troubling you and being able to name your pain and to friends and to 

family and to the world, to not be shamed for your experience and to know that that support is 

ongoing. 

The more support we have early on, the more likely we are to be stabilized. The less likely we are 

to have support, to be believed, to be affirmed and to name our pain, I think the longer that 

healing process takes to begin, and to take root. I’m a survivor of sexual trauma, and it is a 

process. I describe it as an ongoing process. There is no end point. I will be living with this pain for 

the rest of my life, and so for me, and for others, I think it looks like trying to figure out how to live 

and hold both your pain and joy in life. How to hold them at the same time. I think that is part of 

the healing process, finding ways to hold both pain and joy and to continue to claw at life and to 

live. Doing this though, you are going to need to be wrapped in resources informal and formal. 

Informal is your family and friends and formal may be therapeutic, or faith based forms of support, 
or it may be your hobbies, or exercise. All these things have to be with an eye on healing. Nothing

detrimental to your experience. But you could enter those spaces for healing and experience 

secondary forms of trauma. So those spaces have to be safe, and take up your quest in the 

healing process. 

So I’ll give you an example of someone who might have survived a rape and might go to the 

hospital to report the rape. And they're interrogated,” where were you?” “Why did you go there?” 

All these questions that begin to target you as the person, you who made a poor choice. What 

we call victim blaming. And somehow all of it has gotten away from the person who victimized 

you, to “what were the conditions surrounding the victimization and what role you played.” And 

so that is a secondary form of trauma. Because now you’re made to feel guilty or question your 

role in all of this. That is an additional traumatic event. The same thing happens when you go to 

the police. There’s often this notion that the police are this safe space, but that may not be true. 

Many women and femmes are victimized at the hands of law enforcement--sex workers, trans 

women, working class women, femmes/women of color, and femmes/women who are 

incarcerated are more likely to be victimized again when they come into contact  with law 
enforcement. These are compounding forms of sexual trauma. Maybe they’ve already experienced 
some form of sexual trauma in their life and then they come contact with this organization that is 

supposed to be supporting them or even rehabilitating them, and it becomes a site for more 

violence. Maybe you go to your minister looking for support, but that becomes a vulnerable space for 
many people who have been victimized. So, trust in that person who is in power, also becomes a 
vulnerable space to be in. So, I think we don’t really talk about that. There are so many forms of 
secondary violence and complex trauma that happens when we are told to go to these spaces 

that are supposed to be helpful. 

SUPPORT 

I feel that we need to be heard, I think we need to be validated, our experiences need to be 

validated. I think we need to know that our communities are safe and affirming and welcoming.

 I think that communities need to hold people who have victimized others accountable. I think that 

whatever accountability looks like it has to evoke their humanity and not compromise it. 

If you put someone who’s victimized someone in a more inhuman setting, we can’t 

necessarily say that that’s going to make that person a better person at the end of the 

accountability process. I would want that person to become a better person. To somehow 

be able to recover and to be able to think through the harm they have caused to the person 

they have victimized, to themselves, and to their community and to think through “how do I 

become a whole person after this?” I also think that person who is a perpetrator is also a 

victim, because they have now compromised their humanity. I think that the person who has 

been primarily victimized needs to be prioritized and protected and needs to be empowered to 

know that they can move forward. We are stronger than we think we are. And how do we 

remember to hold pain and acknowledge that still there is opportunity for joy. But it’s really hard, 

depending on how violent the attack was and depending on how much you trusted the person 

who attacked you. The conditions make it really hard. 

I feel like that person needs to be loved, protected, and affirmed, listened to but we have to be 

really patient with survivors. Because we want people to get over it, we want people to snap out 

of it, but you can’t! It has shaken you to your core, whatever that thing is that happened to you.

And you need time to put yourself back together. If you were told that it didn’t happen to you, 

if you were told or received societal messages that said it was your fault, it can take a really long 

time. If you haven’t been given the resources and you have to show up at work or school the next 

day, if it happened to you at work or school--because we’re assuming that these things are only 

happening in dark alleys and parking lots. No, it’s happening at home, most people who have 

been sexually victimized are being victimized by their partners, or people they know. Married 

women are victimized by their partners, girls are victimized by their boyfriends, right? Children 

are victimized by adults that are supposedly protecting them, teachers, priests, coaches, parents, 

aunts, uncles, older siblings. Then you get to college and it happens on a date or after a party. 

So I think that there’s also an assumption that its only happening once in someone’s life, or that 

we should get over it when it’s really persistent and chronic. And so if the attacks against our

 humanity are persistent and chronic then I think the affirmation in support of our humanity 

has to be persistent, consistent and loving. 

About Last Night

I am hard on myself. I work really hard but sometimes when I am trying to articulate myself while speaking I stumble through my words. I then become anxious worrying that my audience will think I sound incompetent and I begin rushing to finish, which makes me stumble more. This most often happens in academic settings and even after being a professor for most of my adult life, I still find myself almost in tears after I speak in front of academics. This is a carry over from being socialized in a culture that has made me feel like I don't belong despite me working so hard trying to be their kind of smart. 

Recently I have been resisting and in fact rebelling against trying to "sound" smart. I recognize it as Western middle class cultural imperialism and have begun saying fuck you--i may not speak your language but I have shit to say. And right when I think I have recovered from feeling like an imposter and begin feeling myself for the bad ass I am, I stumble in the middle of a speech and I am spiraling downward again. My heart races, I feel small, I speed up, I skip over sections of my paper to get to the end faster. It's like all the self work disappears. Sometimes i catch myself and remember to breathe, sometimes I lie in bed playing it over and over in my head, tossing and turning wondering why I still suck at this thing. But what I will say is this--fuck academia and the damage it does to us (women, first gen, POC, queer, immigrant, people with disabilities, etc) and the way it violently dulls our shine. I'm working to embrace my stumbles and will keep saying what the fuck needs to be said. My people will hear me and those who focus on my articulation and enunciation are not the people I am speaking to in the first place.

 I also must remember that my harsh evaluations of myself are often unfounded. Last night, when all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock after I spoke, an audience member walked up to me and thanked me for including my sexual abuse survival in my remarks. She said she was especially grateful that I named it in an academic setting because said she had been sexually assaulted at Northwestern and had not told anyone yet. She said maybe one day we could write about it together. She re-centered me and I affirmed her. I am not here to sound eloquent. I am here to tell the truth. and so are you. 

Make a plan: Guard Your Spirit

I know some folks hate lists but I'm too drained after the heaviness of this weekend's pain to write sentences. This is what poured out of me this morning right before I let the tears flow. I call it, "how to survive tolerating/being in a relationship with family members who have hurt you". It might come in handy for some of you, especially during holidays, graduations, weddings, funerals, or pretty much any other "obligatory" time we are sacrificing our souls in the name of "family"

1. Prepare an escape plan-have somewhere to go if shit gets too heavy. I was lucky to have a friend offer to let me come to her house if I needed
2. Be open with your support network about the status of your mental health before, during and after they arrive. Let them know so they can be available if you show up at their door in your underwear in the middle of December or you need call/text them at 2:34am. I was grateful to receive texts and hugs from friends all weekend and openly told people I was not feeling ok.
3. Build a support network that can handle your anxiety laden, random, and frequent texts or calls (you need this to do #2)
4. Force yourself to drink water
5. Force yourself to eat 
6. Leave the house solo to go run "errands" without apology. 
7. Have a place that brings you joy to retreat to if things get bad--for me it's thrift stores (went to 3 of them yesterday) or I go somewhere in nature-flowers, water, weeds--whatever!
8. Process your trauma with a therapist. Process the ways maintaining this relationship affects your life with a therapist. This level of support is needed in addition to the support we receive from friends, family and our faith communities.
9. Eat ALL the fucking sweet potato pie you like and fuck anyone who judges you for doing so.  
10. Go for a walk, run, etc-be active, it helps release the endorphins you need to balance out all your feelings of depression, anxiety & rage! 
11. Ask other family members to act as your buffers/stand in hosts. My grannie and Ced do this for me all the time. I love them both deeply for enduring when I cannot
12. Take "naps". They can be real naps or fake ones but take 'em! Anything to run out the fucking clock! Including faking headaches!
13. Don't feel obligated to be "on" or host around the clock
14. Don't tolerate anymore abusive or controlling language or behavior! It is a privilege for them to even get to see you so fuck them if they start acting a fool! Seriously! Fuck them! Show them the door! This is your life! 
15. Decide which environment and what time periods work best for you. I prefer hosting because I feel more in control. If on their turf--hotels it is for me. In both cases 48-72 hrs is all they get and I consider that a gift. It's sucks no matter what but I have learned where my tolerance limits are and don't give a shit whose feelings I hurt. 
16. Name your pain!! Share your story of trauma AND your story of survival! Your silence will not protect you (Audre Lorde)
In short, make a plan for your survival but remember you DO NOT have to stay in relationships with people who have hurt you. I don't care what your cultural, religious, or gender norms say! You deserve to be safe and if you are not safe, get safe! ️

Deep Breathing...

Deep Breathing as Survival (drafted March 2017)

Last Wednesday the temps suddenly dropped and everyone had to put their winters coats back on. I work in a historic building in downtown Chicago and our heat comes from radiators. 

As I walked through the office that day trying to focus on my mounting list of work tasks, I began to hear the all too familiar clicking sounds of the radiators. I had heard them all winter but after having the heat off for a while, the hissing clicks  sounded especially loud. 

I grew up in public housing projects that had radiator heat. The clicks of the radiators reminded me of both of my childhood home. A home in which I was not safe. A home in which I was sexually, physically and psychologically traumatized by my father. A home that I escaped and never returned.

As the clicks continued, I found myself unable to focus on my work but without really knowing why. I felt panicked and unstable even though I knew I was not in any direct danger. I was distraught because I needed to settle since I had a shortened work week given a surgery that I had scheduled for later in the week. 

I breathed deeply and I just survived the day. I struggled emotionally throughout the work day. I prayed that the cold days would end. 

On Friday, I was admitted the St Francis Hospital in Evanston for an outpatient procedure. During the pre-op process a nurse shared that I would be given a sedative that would put me asleep so that the surgeon could begin my surgery but that I would wake up mid surgery. My heart immediately began to race. My father used to sexually assault  me when I was asleep so the thought of waking up when someone was hovering over me was unsettling. I tried to express my general concern to the anesthesiologist and he did his best to be reassuring. I still felt uneasy. I worried that I would wake up feeling startled/frightened and instinctively try to defend myself. 

I breathed deeply and tried not to angst. 

I was then wheeled to a pre-op/post-op room to await being wheeled into the operating room. For some reason the multiple beds in one room and an older woman who began moaning after getting out of her surgery reminded me of being in the hospital for my first abortion. It was a late term abortion and women and girls all were put together for our procedures. I was the youngest person there and it was one of the scariest experiences in my life. I hadn't thought of that day/night and those collective moans for a long time but suddenly, the memories came flooding back.  

I had to force myself to stop thinking about it. I needed to hold my shit together since my surgery was about to happen. Breath, Sekile. Breathe. 

I was then wheeled into the operating room. I was not scared but was still unsettled about waking up mid surgery. My anesthesiologist tried to chat with me to keep me calm by chatting about music he liked from South Africa. Then the nurse began to use "soft" restraints to strap each of my arms down so that I would flail around once I woke up. This almost pushed me over the edge,  even though theoretically I understand the purpose of the practice. All I could think of was waking up and not being able to defend myself because I was strapped to the bed. In an instant, I was disempowered and trapped. My anesthesiologist began asking me where my name was from and I blurted out "I can't focus on that right now, I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed!". He continued to do his best to keep me calm but it was a lot to take in and was happening so fast. I guess I breathed through it.

Luckily when I woke up in the middle of the procedure, they had put a tent up that visually blocked out what was actually happening. I was able to hear first and then adjust to the situation. Not being able to see was a good thing for me in this moment. Like I've already said, I thought I would wake up and want to protect myself, especially if I found a man hovering over me. 

In the end, everything went well. I was even able to go to a party yesterday, less than 24 hrs after the surgery. But this situation reminded me how much I live with my trauma daily. Trauma histories are heavy and looming. These experiences are sometimes hard to carry and are unpredictable.

I know there was nothing that could be done about the radiators but the hospital experience could have been improved upon. I wished I had found the courage to inform the people who were providing health care to me that I was a sexual abuse survivor. I just kept saying I was feeling anxious. I could not name my pain. On the other hand, I feel like this should not have to come from me.  All health workers should be trained  to provide trauma informed care and know that the hospital experience itself can be a traumatic event.  They should be aware that many of their patients may have trauma histories. It's more than just being nice and saying "you'll be ok". I had to do a lot of self regulation to get through that minor procedure. They all were medically competent but were clueless about how their "standard" practice of strapping someone down can illicit strong feelings of vulnerability and anxiety for some patients. I do recognize that I am economically privileged given my access to health care. That does not preclude the fact that health professionals can be more responsive to the complex needs of their patients. Asking me if I have trauma history should be right next to the asking me if I have any allergic reactions to medications. 

I breathed deeply through it all and survived yet again. But this post is evidence that I am still haunted by my brief hospital experience 2 days later. Luckily, there's lots of air out there...

*************************************************
Here's a gift to all of you out there breathing through it all:

1 minute breathing exercise

My 13 yr old's walking review of "13 Reasons Why"

My daughter and I walked to school together today. We talked about the show 13 Reasons Why. She said she viewed it as a TV show not representative of real mental health issues that lead to suicide. She said she watched the interviews with the directors (producers?) who said that their intended goal was to raise awareness about suicide. She said she thought they failed at it but she still liked the show. She also said that none of us are perfect, so we all have the potential for hurting people without realizing it but they shouldn't then make a video about it for revenge.

She's 13, uses the word bogus a lot but has critical thinking skills to understand fact from fiction. I don't think we should ban TV,music or movies but our kids do need a few things from us so that they are informed. I think we should be talking to kids about mental health and how to reach out to ask for help if they need it (sidebar: We should also fight to ensure mental health services are publicly funded and not only accessible to middle class families). We should also remind them of their personal power so survive and that they should fight back at life, even when it's shitty. I'm not victim blaming those that lose their lives to suicide, the rates are going up in the US and are concerning. Instead I'm saying we should destigmatize seeking mental health treatment and we should teach children (and the adults in their lives) the symptoms so that they learn how to respond. I also think resiliency has to be fostered--our children need adults affirming their worth but they also simply need to know they are worthy. These should be a normal part of our daily conversations--at home, in schools, in youth organizations, and in faith communities.
Hi I shared my suicide attempt during our walk. I shared my bouts with depression stemming from my trauma history. I shared that I went to therapy. I told her that I was happy I woke up from the overdose and I was happy to still be here. She listened and asked questions but kept a fast walking pace because she was meeting up with her friends--I did say she was 13, right? I wanted to kiss her on the forehead when she turned left to head towards school and I turned right to head towards the train but then I knew that would be bogus of me.

Birthing Healing

As I got off the CTA train yesterday evening, I felt a twinge in my midsection. I wondered if it was my uterus actually hurting because I was grieving my son’s impending move to college the next morning. They felt a bit like cramps so I decided to call them “labor pains”. 

I needed a familiar reference point to process and cope with the pain I was feeling, whether physical, spiritual, emotional—or combined.   I needed to push myself to accept that the life that I had brought into the world was about to enter another stage of life’s journey. I also knew I had survived labor pains before so I told myself that I could survive this life transition as well. So with my hands gripping my abdomen and at times throwing up into one of Illinois State University's garbage cans, I’ve spent the last 24 hrs laboring and reflecting on the past 18 years since I’ve become his/a mother. 

One of my biggest goals in raising a son has been to make sure that he never intentionally hurts women and that he would grow to advocate for their freedom. I prayed for him to be gentle,  justice minded, peace loving, and to have a fighting spirit. I am so proud to say that the 18 year old that began college today, has become a warm, caring, sensitive, fun loving, and informed young man that I hoped he would become. 

A few examples flashed through my mind during the 2 hour car ride and like calming waves they washed over me dulling the pain. Sometimes it was remembering the small things like his love for cats or being a caring and highly flexible older brother. Other times it was the big things like remembering him sitting in the back seat of the car explaining the menstrual cycle to his little sister (thank you, World of Inquiry 8th grade science teachers!) or when he asked to stay while I delivered the placenta following his sister's birth. I recall, at age 4, he reminded me to be more patient and gentle with his younger brother who would not go to sleep as instructed. He said calmly but assertively, " He's just a baby, Mom!". Then there was the time he tied a pink bow in his hair during track meets in support of his coach’s wife who was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. She mentioned that he would always check on her. I didn’t even know they had a relationship but to learn your teenager found space in his heart to care for another is heartwarming.  Or the time he came home from school raving about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Purple Hibiscus. Then there was the day he began to draw connections between my life and the Black women characters in Alice Walkers' books. He was the one who got me into reading the Suzanne Collins' "Hunger Games" series. Here was a boy who wasn't big on reading was suddenly under his covers for days diving deep into fiction worlds of injustice & resistance with a girl as the shero. 

He, like his siblings, have always been supportive of my dreams and interests. They understand me as a working mother and they also get that I value life outside of motherhood. He has always been there coaching me along whether it was roller derby or road races. He was one of my first customers when I began selling vintage clothing. He partied hard with a drag queen at one of my fundraisers for the Chicago Abortion Fund. He wears a button on his visor that says “Value Women” and proudly identifies as a black feminist. Yes, his room stays a mess and he plays video games nonstop. 

But he has blossomed into a young man that moves through this world not harming others. This is an essential intervention that I and his father have been committed to in loving our son. His masculinity is his own and is not bound by other people’s limited views of what it means to "be a man". (sidebar: His blackness is also his own and not bound by other peoples’ limited notions of what it means to "be black").

All of this floods through my mind as we unpack and get him settled into his dorm. I did not cry because I began to realize he’s ready, not only academically ready for college, but ready to offer the world the positive energy that it needs…the peace loving and kind man that it needs. Just like labor, it felt horrible during but then there was pure relief and elation in the end. I knew he was going to be alright and that he understood what was expected of him as a human.

His presence in my life and our world has helped me to heal.  He is joy. 

Survival in Practice

I’m typically a chatty Cathy…except for when I’m in pain. When I was in labor with my children, I was sooooooo quiet. Labor was painful and somehow I intuitively turned inward to survive it. During my first labor and delivery, I remember my grandmother being very worried about me not using medical intervention. She and her bible sat in the corner. She was present and prayerful and I was grateful for her. Cedric was right beside me and I recall when the pain got so intense I looked at him and said “I don’t think I can do it!!” He looked back at me and said, "Yes, you can”. I turned inward and I did.  I pushed out a 7 lb 15 oz baby boy. It was then that realized that I could survive what was quite surely one of the greatest physical pains that a body can tolerate. I set the terms, no pain killers, a Ghanian fertility doll as a focal point and loved ones present to help me get through. But ultimately, it was me who had to get that baby out of me and had to deal with the pain associated with childbirth. It was no joke but I felt like a bad ass after. During labor, it was my silence that was most necessary. I had learned the Lamaze breathing/panting (ineffective) technique, but I just wanted peace and quiet so I could listen to my body and survive the pain. With each childbirth, I refined my desire for intentional silence during labor. I learned Hypno birthing and incorporated affirmations that helped me believe that I could birth my baby. This practice is necessary only because we have been taught to fear our bodies and the child birthing process as well as deny our strength. The hypnotic state was really a deep relaxation and meditative process. It required inward reflection and visualizing a place of peace. Even the verbal prompts Cedric had practiced to help me go deeper into a hypnotic/relaxed state were distracting in the labor process because of my deep desire for silence and turning inward. I needed peace and quiet to survive that pain. No nurses coming in and out poking and prodding, no lights on, no massages. Just me getting through that shit. Leave me alone. I birthed an 8 lb 7 oz baby boy that day with very little pushing thanks to a very self determined little one.  By the time the 3rd labor came along, I was skilled at childbirth and also at knowing which conditions were ideal for me. Silence and solitude during labor! I wanted my support system there, which now included Cedric and the boys. I had the boys with a family friend while I was in labor but they were the 1st ones to hold and see their little sister after she was born. Unfortunately, my midwife did not get the memo about my need for peace and quiet and got on my damned nerves the whole time. She could not accept that I was in charge of my birthing process and kept trying to offer suggestions. Irritated the fuck out of me. What I have realized is that when I am in pain, deep pain, I hurt too much to explain myself to others. Cedric was my advocate but we could not regain control of the labor and delivery process. I felt disempowered. I recall that process as my worse birthing experience simply because I felt imposed upon and I was not allowed to just lie there and meditate til that baby was ready to come out. She wanted me to shift positions and just kept talking. I needed to just survive the ugly beauty of my pain in peace. Thankfully, a 8 lb 6 oz baby girl blessed me with another quick labor and put me out of my noise induced misery.

I find myself in pain a lot lately. My current pain is not physical, it is psychic, emotional, psychological and spiritual. It still hurts and it’s hard to explain its fullness to others. I tend to retreat into myself during these times. It's simply too tiring and painful to try to help others get why and how a happily married, mother of 3 beautiful children with a bunch of sister-friends who owns a home, smiles a lot, and is a professor is dealing with anxiety and life long depression. My support team is ready to help—friends call, family members pray, Cedric does the heavy lifting at home and is the affirming spouse that I need in my life. I am grateful. But I have learned that sometimes I still have to--need to-- turn inward to survive my life. Especially when I feel my survival and joy are at risk or are being threatened. It is how I have survived before when there was seemingly no one at my side (go ahead, insert your “but God” here). Turning inward is how I am still here. I need to time to think, to name my pain, and at times go numb to survive it. Turning inward feels safe in this moment. Being in silent solitude through pain also allows me to spiritually ground myself and to store my reserves so I can tackle life as it is dealt. Living in solitude means not having to explain why I stopped listening to someone in the middle of their sentence, or why I am not feeling happy at "happy" moments or why I am not interested in things that typically bring me joy like socializing and exercising and eases some of the pressure. It means not having to cry in public or navigate answering the dreaded question "how are you doing?"

Prayer, meditation, silence, and out of body robot mode—have helped me survive before, in beautiful times like during childbirth and in horrific times, like during child sexual abuse.

 I won’t stay forever but this is where I am in this moment. This is survival.  

on the balcony

 I shared my trauma story with my daughter yesterday. I shared it with both of her brothers in the past. My oldest son came into my room one time when I was sleeping and his presence triggered a flashback. I screamed at him to get out of my room. I decided shortly after to share with him that my father would molest me at night and that I got freaked out a bit but was truly sorry. He was understanding. my poor baby! I shared my story with my younger son out of anger and frustration. He was angry with his dad about our then upcoming move to Chicago and I had had enough of his jabs at his dad. I confronted him and shared that while what he was going through was tough, that is was not trauma and that his father was trying to make a better life for him. I shared what having an abusive father was really like and said I wished I had a loving dad like his. yeah, I went there. He soon chilled out and he is the most adjusted of my 3 children since we have moved. Our talk will probably will have him in therapy later in life but my buttons were pushed. (note to self: have a 2nd talk with him) My poor baby!!!! But yesterday was the last time that I shared my story with one of my children and it was the one I dreaded the most. Telling my daughter...

After a week long hectic move, it was the 1st day Z and I were hanging out on our new balcony. She was sharing how she and some girls from her school were organizing a protest against the school's sexist dress code. We talked double standards and respectability politics. She mentioned that it is just the older women, particularly black women that say something to her. I told her I had her back but also explained that some black folks are conservative and some may mean no harm and think they are protecting you from men's/boy's advances. I explained that black women's sexuality has historically been exploited and our responses (good and problematic) have been attempts to reclaim our dignity. I explained that even with those histories of racism and sexism, black woman and girls should demand their bodily autonomy. We agreed that what someone is wearing has nothing to do sex or enticement and people should not police a girl's/woman's body. I noted that men and boys should be in control of themselves. We discussed rape and rape culture. We both acknowledged that people rape people and that it is wrong. 

 But I also confessed that even I had to get used to her wearing leggings, short shorts and bikinis once her body started filling out. I told her it was hard and that I too wanted to protect her/cover her up. I then shared how it has been a struggle watching her do her thing as she grows up but I know that I have to let her go. I finally took a deep breathe and said that "it happened to me" and that I wanted to be sure it didn't happen to her. If you could have seen my baby's face when she realized what I was saying and as the tears welled up in her little eyes as my voice quivered. my poor baby!!!!! I kept going before I lost the nerve to get it out and shared that it was my father. She came over and hugged me.  I told her it was a scary time in my life but that I was ok. I told her I was her age. I told her I was proud of her for knowing that her body is hers and that no one should tell her what she can and cannot do with it. She said, with tears streaming down her face that she was sorry that IT happened to me. I thanked her and we comforted each other. 

The moment was both incredibly heavy and somehow also very light. If felt like we saw into each other's souls when we looked at each other with shared love and concern. I asked her if the balcony could be our "spot" for sharing and connecting and she said yes. Then Cabral called us for breakfast! Perfect timing, pancakes sooth the soul! 

p.s. School District 97, you'd better look out because my daughter and her crew are coming for ya!!  

Eyes up...Dis/Recovering My Body

 When our bodies are free we can move mountains.

I completed my first marathon on October 12, 2014. I finished the Chicago Marathon in 5 hours, 49 minutes and 12 seconds! Not bad!! I was out there with 45,000 other runners, walkers and wheel chair racers---each of us at the start line for different reasons but all with the same tools at hand....our bodies, minds, hearts and spirits ----and the same goal in mind...to get across the finish line. 

As I trained this summer, especially during the longer runs past 13 miles, I became fascinated by what my body was capable of doing. Sometimes I got distracted by what my body was “supposed” to look like but I was truly impressed by what it could DO! Each weekend I would look at the weekly run schedule and think “Damn, that’s far!”. But then I would lace up and sure enough about half way through the run I would realize that I was doing IT.  I also came to enjoy listening to my body. If my heart rate was too fast, I'd slow down. If I became excited because the finish line was near, I'd speed up. If I was struggling, I'd speak up and ask for help. If I felt uncomfortable, I'd tell my run partner the pace doesn’t feel good. If I am slacking, I’d acknowledge it and recommit. If I needed a break, I'd take one. This distance running journey was a testimony and tribute to being in a sustained conversation with my body.  Respecting when my body says No! and responding when it says Yes!!

The conversation continued along the marathon route on Sunday. I checked in with each body part. 

        mile 13: “Toes & toenails, how ya’ll doing?" 

mile 15: "Back, you alright?" 

mile 18: "Lungs, ya’ll getting enough oxygen?"

                                     mile 23: "Bladder, girl, you are doing marvelous!"

mile 24-26.2: "Legs, you betta' work!!!" 

My spirit continually tapped me on my shoulder along the way and reminded me to take it all in. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the energy, the support and the LOVE were all there giving me life and propelling me forward. 

And yes, at times I begged each body part to cooperate and they did, but in their own time and on their own terms. I had set a finish time goal of 5:25 but my body pushed back and said assertively, "I am finishing in 5:49:12!". 

My body, my will, my desire moved mountains that day and another piece of me got free as I crossed the finish line. When I got across I didn’t cry. I just smiled because my body had survived real pain before and this was not pain, this was joy.                                                    





                                           Pure JOY!

Homecoming: On finding a "good man"

Recently, I was exchanging a round of texts with one of my dearest friends. We were debating on the importance of men in our lives--in the realms of romantically/sexually and emotionally/psychologically. She felt that women represented feminine energy in a relationship and that a man complimented that feminine energy with masculine energy. She also felt that a father nurtures a child in a unique way, maybe a more masculine way. I feel that we all embody both masculine and feminine qualities and that we are whole without  another person. I see others as enriching our lives. Intimate connections with others affirm us but that we must gain affirmation of self independent of others. I also see the role/duties of a father as being indistinguishable from that of a mother. I know I will get a lot of push back on this but a nurturing parent is a nurturing parent. period. I have witnessed my son, 29 years younger than me, step between myself and my daughter when I was not parenting effectively. He essentially was the voice of reason and ultimately comforted my daughter and gave her what she needed in that moment. What she needed was nurturance and he provided that for her, regardless of his gender and/or age. There is nothing biological about my mothering. I am learning as I go and there is nothing about my gender identity as a woman, my predominantly feminine expression or my biological femaleness that aids me in this process. Children need caring adults in their lives. Whether those adults have penises, vaginas or some combination of both doesn't matter. Who does that parenting doesn't matter. Your birth parents or those in your community can stand in the gap. Yet, my friend raised a point that I’m still chewing on. Maybe once we have been abandoned or abused by our mothers and/or fathers, we have holes that we feel need to be filled and look to other adults who resemble these identities to heal us. 

I am not sure if I ever looked for a father figure to replace my father. I simply walked away. I did not see him as essential to my life journey. I never felt a deep loss. trauma, yes but I did not feel a deep loss of a father in my life. I DID feel a sense of abandonment from my mother and I spent about a decade of my young adulthood trying to attach myself to older black women. But they ultimately disappointed me. Not because they were bad people but because I had painted this idealized portrait of what I wanted out of my relationship with them. I wanted a “do over” mother but they were my grandmother, my mother in law, my supervisor, my dissertation chair, or my mentor. They were not my mother. I eventually learned that I had placed unrealistic expectations on these women, to heal me, to love me in the ways I felt I had not been loved. I learned to mother/nurture myself. I learned to redistribute the weight I had placed on certain romanticized relationships with older women. Why are parental relationships given more weight that peer relationships? Why were parents defined as the singular sources of our nurturance and not ourselves? These questions have helped me love myself when others did not. could not. should not. 

But is loving ourselves enough?

My father did not love me. He failed at his adult duties to keep me safe and not harm me. He failed. Most of my professors at Morgan State University were men. They were intelligent, progressive, kind and witty Black men. They were not my father nor his replacement but I suppose they did help me to heal. They were all respectful and did not make me squirm in discomfort when I was in the room alone with them.  They gave me an alternate perspective of relationships between adult men and younger women/girls. between those with power and those who were vulnerable under that power. 

I recall being in Dr. Daryll Tally's office in the social work department in my junior year. We were talking about graduate school. I was telling him how I wanted to go to grad school in Baltimore because my boyfriend at the time was from Baltimore. He quickly retorted, "Don't plan your life around a man! Baltimore will be here when you get back. Go to grad school.". Thank you, Dr. Tally.  I listened to him. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me our senior year and I went off to Ohio State University for my masters degree. Dr. Talley's words stay with me today, I try to place myself first in my life plans. I try not center my life around a man—even the one I am in love with. Dr. Tally was not a father figure but he did what wiser adults should do—give sound advice and challenge us to defy our self-made boundaries. You are a good (hu)man, Dr. Tally!

I also recall being in Dr. Elmer P. Martin’s social work practice class. He required  us to write a paper on object loss and object constancy. The purpose of the assignment was to reflect on something that was tough/traumatic/distressing in our lives and what kept us whole during that same time period. I decided to write about my incest survival. I think I still have the paper. It was the first time I had put pen to paper on the issue. It was emotionally draining but I think it was the best paper I had written at Morgan. On the day the assignment was due he asked that we share our topics with the rest of the class. I was horrified. I tried to find the words but erupted into tears and buried my head in my desk for the remainder of the class. Too soon. Still too raw. It took me two weeks to return to class. Dr. Martin shared his own story in my absence. It was about his father molesting his sisters and his mother pressing charges against him. It was about surviving having a father who had been a sexual predator and being a child of an incarcerated parent. I missed Dr. Martin’s story in class but I gained so much from him for discussing his personal life with our class. Thank you, Dr. Martin. You taught me that it was OK to be vulnerable in front of others. I continue to try to live by your example. You were a good (hu)man, Dr. Martin. RIP

Mr. William Carson, Sr. and I crossed paths in 1992. I walked into his office saying I wanted to go to graduate school. Over the next year he would read my admission essay, drive me from Maryland to Ohio for black grad student visitation days at Ohio State, give me a bike to get around campus, attend my graduation from my MSW program and take pictures of the event. A couple of years after that he would drive my friends down to NC for my wedding and take pictures of yet another special day in my life. He never asked me for one red cent. Four years after that, he’d be there for me again for my and my husband’s graduation from our PhD programs. He and his camera captured our big day yet again. Words cannot express how his unassuming but constant presence in my life has meant to me. I’ve come to learn that I was not a special case, Mr. Carson treats everyone he knows kindly. I am so pleased that I was able to thank him publicly at his recent retirement party from Morgan State University. After 30 years he was finally “graduating" and moving on to indulge in his life’s joys—traveling, visiting his family and yes, taking pictures. At the dinner, I thanked his son for “sharing” his dad with us Morganites. Thank you, Mr. Carson for all that you have done for me professionally and personally. You taught me that sometimes we just have to be there for other folks not to seek praise but because it is the right thing to do. I try to channel your professionalism and dedication when I interact with my students although you have very big shoes to fill! You are a good (hu)man, Mr. Carson!!

I am probably a professor because of the positive influences of my undergraduate professors and administrators at Morgan. My fair Morgan...it was a safe haven for me that gave me the space to remember who I was outside of the abuse I had experienced in my family home. 

So where am I going with this? 

I’m not sure. I am thankful that I had other men to interact with who were not predatory. Yet, I never imagined that they were father figures nor held expectations that they were replacing my father when they helped me along the way. At the end of the day, it was not their gender that shined through, it was their humanity. their caring spirits. their sage advice. They were/are good humans. At the same time, I do acknowledge that they were indeed men and having positive experiences with men is something I cherish as well. 

But through it all, I am learning that we heal and flourish from having good people in our lives, starting with ourselves.

Q: What's in a name? A: freedom

I am the first born daughter of Deborah Wilson and Wash Wilson, Jr. They named me Monique Antionette Wilson. I liked my name growing up, despite being called almost last at every school event and ceremony because my last name was at the end of the alphabet. I also tolerated being corrected by others because my middle name, Antionette, was spelled incorrectly since my version had the "i" before the "o".  My name sounds French and that made me feel fancy and sophisticated. I had many nicknames, some I loved "Cover Girl" (my older male cousins Butch & Teddy said I was as pretty as a Cover Girl! I love me some them!) and some I grew to despise "Crow" (because of my skinny bird legs). Then there were the school years of being called "dead eye" because I have a lazy eye and being called a "slut" behind my back. Ahhhh, names, they carry weight. 

Over the years, I created physical distance between my sexually abusive father and me by going to college and not returning home, but I found myself still wanting to "free" myself from his surname. Initially I thought that I could easily just change my last name to my mother's maiden name of Wilkerson. It would mean just adding three letters, KER, in the middle of Wilson. Simple enough. I was also reading more and more about the Black experience in the US during that same time period. I had recently read Kwame Toure's (formerly Stokely Carmicheal) book "Stokley Speaks: Black Power Back to Pan Africanism". It included a speech he gave at my alma mater, Morgan State University, that resonated with me politically. I also read "The Autobiography of Malcolm X". He too, changed his name from Malcolm Little to Malcolm X to El-Hajj Malik El-Shabbaz as part of his political and religious journey. "Assata: An Autobiography" by Assasta Shakur (formerly Joanne Chesimard) crystalized my understandings of the gender politics within the Black Panther party as well as the criminalization and surveillance of Black bodies at the hands of the US government. These revolutionaries and authors sharpened my emergent thinking on black and Pan African politics but they also influenced my thinking on naming.

I learned that your name is yours. I also learned that your name can shape your identity and your politics. Or did I learn that your identity and politics can influence your name? This is a cart-horse debate that I don't wish to take up here but I do believe that my search for self, a self independent of my father's unwanted advances and a self free of white men's chains were emerging simultaneously.  I descend from a long history of racial and gender oppression and a long history of black women pushing back against these histories in an attempt to chart their own destinies.  Although, I lacked the sophistication to name exactly what I was doing when I decided to change my name at 23 years old, I know that these histories informed my act of resistance.

So, while I was in my master's program, I went to the Black Studies library at Ohio State University one day to do research and checked out 2-3 books on African names. I eventually found two names I liked Sekile (again with the missellings, I think it is actually spelled Sakile) and Nzinga (also spelled Nzingha and Njinga, sigh). I had decided I would change my sur/last name to an African name but I was not sure which one to go with. Sekile/Sakile was from the southern region in Africa, a Zulu name that meant "peace" and Nzinga/Nzingha was the name of a fierce 16th century, warrior queen who ruled a region in Africa, which is now Angola. http://www.blackpast.org/gah/queen-nzinga-1583-1663. I liked both names. One evoking peace and one evoking independence, resistance, and strength. Monique Nzinga? Monique Sekile? I liked the names but neither had a ring to them when combined with my birth name. I mentioned my struggle to someone and they quickly suggested, why not use both? Nzinga Sekile? Sekile Nzinga? Sekile Nzinga. yes, Sekile Nzinga!

I shared my name change decision with one of my childhood friends. Interestingly, her name was Monik (pronounced, Monique), too. She was actually in the process of changing her name to Akilah Njeri. We cracked up at the similarity of our name choices and at the coincidence of our timing. Our friends and family weren't as amused. As I shared my new "radical" name with friends and family, I was met with backlash and disapproval by some. "So, what do you think you're blacker than me?!", one friend asked defensively. "I understand you wanting to connect with your African ancestry but what about your white ancestors?!", a family member quipped. Those were the statements from those who were brazen enough to have face to face conversations with me. Eventually, most came to call me "Monique..I mean Sekile!" and then later, just Sekile. Anyone over the age of 60 got a pass, my Grannie still calls me Monique and I still answer to it.  I never told anyone that I was changing my name not only to identify with my African ancestry but also to symbolically sever my connections to my child molesting father. 

Over the next few years, I met co-workers and former classmates who were going through the same name changing process and they encouraged me to not just "go by" Sekile but actually change my name legally. I married in 1996 but had not begun the legal name change process.  So our marriage license says Monique. However, my pregnancy with my first child served as the catalyst for my official name change. I wanted my chosen name on his birth certificate and filed the necessary paper work at the court house in Prince George's county in Maryland in 1997. 

It was at that time that I made the difficult decision to also take my husband's name. I had just spent the last 4 years claiming my independence from histories of violence and trauma but in this case, this was a man that loved and respected me. This was joy. It was a confusing time, so I succumbed to the societal pressure that most US women face to take their husbands' names. My partner said he didn't care but I was not sure. He loved me and I wanted him to know that I loved him.  I became Sekile Nzinga-Johnson legally in 1997.

I feel like I lost a little of myself in that decision but I later began to appreciate having a name that was connected to the Black experience here in the US. That is where my closest ancestry lies and I am deeply indebted to all those ordinary blacks folks, like the Johnsons of Mobile, Alabama, who worked hard, struggled to stay alive and contributed to this society with little recognition. Maybe this is me rationalizing my heteronormative decision so that I feel less gendered but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I am still in the process of healing from my child sexual abuse. It is lifelong. I have accepted the infinity of its pain. Yet, in the past year, I've also have found myself circling back to appreciating the name Monique. Monique lives. Monique symbolizes the innocence that should have been my childhood. Monique is joy. She coexists WITH and IN Sekile. Yet she has stayed hidden, dormant within until she felt safe to come back out and play. It's taken years, decades for her to feel secure in this world. As Sekile, I find myself calling upon Monique quite often these days. Monique reminds me what real pain is and to not let the small things in life take up more space than they deserve. Monique reminds me that I need and deserve time to play and be free. Monique makes me speak on it and act on it. injustice. speak, Sekile! Monique, with her working class reality, reminds PhD'd Sekile to remain wild and untamed by middle class respectability politics and fired up about inequity. I am Sekile. I am Monique.

Been thinking about another name change these days....Sekile Monique Nzinga-Johnson. I know, it's kind of a mouthful! Until then, I'm going to go drink a glass of sweet tea and hula hoop with Monique.

-Sekile M. Nzinga-Johnson

p.s. 2/10/20. I recently dropped the Johnson from my last name although I kept my partner of 26 years. Nzinga-Johnson is still my legal name but Nzinga is what I will use professionally and socially. I continue to evolve into myself and he continues to be the man who is secure in his masculinity with no need to "own" me or mark me as being his possession. Freedom lives here.

--Sekile M. Nzinga

p.s.s. 3/28/24 My new SS card and my new license came in the mail today. I am now officially/legally Sekile M. Nzinga, a free assed black woman.