Make a plan: Guard Your Spirit

I know some folks hate lists but I'm too drained after the heaviness of this weekend's pain to write sentences. This is what poured out of me this morning right before I let the tears flow. I call it, "how to survive tolerating/being in a relationship with family members who have hurt you". It might come in handy for some of you, especially during holidays, graduations, weddings, funerals, or pretty much any other "obligatory" time we are sacrificing our souls in the name of "family"

1. Prepare an escape plan-have somewhere to go if shit gets too heavy. I was lucky to have a friend offer to let me come to her house if I needed
2. Be open with your support network about the status of your mental health before, during and after they arrive. Let them know so they can be available if you show up at their door in your underwear in the middle of December or you need call/text them at 2:34am. I was grateful to receive texts and hugs from friends all weekend and openly told people I was not feeling ok.
3. Build a support network that can handle your anxiety laden, random, and frequent texts or calls (you need this to do #2)
4. Force yourself to drink water
5. Force yourself to eat 
6. Leave the house solo to go run "errands" without apology. 
7. Have a place that brings you joy to retreat to if things get bad--for me it's thrift stores (went to 3 of them yesterday) or I go somewhere in nature-flowers, water, weeds--whatever!
8. Process your trauma with a therapist. Process the ways maintaining this relationship affects your life with a therapist. This level of support is needed in addition to the support we receive from friends, family and our faith communities.
9. Eat ALL the fucking sweet potato pie you like and fuck anyone who judges you for doing so.  
10. Go for a walk, run, etc-be active, it helps release the endorphins you need to balance out all your feelings of depression, anxiety & rage! 
11. Ask other family members to act as your buffers/stand in hosts. My grannie and Ced do this for me all the time. I love them both deeply for enduring when I cannot
12. Take "naps". They can be real naps or fake ones but take 'em! Anything to run out the fucking clock! Including faking headaches!
13. Don't feel obligated to be "on" or host around the clock
14. Don't tolerate anymore abusive or controlling language or behavior! It is a privilege for them to even get to see you so fuck them if they start acting a fool! Seriously! Fuck them! Show them the door! This is your life! 
15. Decide which environment and what time periods work best for you. I prefer hosting because I feel more in control. If on their turf--hotels it is for me. In both cases 48-72 hrs is all they get and I consider that a gift. It's sucks no matter what but I have learned where my tolerance limits are and don't give a shit whose feelings I hurt. 
16. Name your pain!! Share your story of trauma AND your story of survival! Your silence will not protect you (Audre Lorde)
In short, make a plan for your survival but remember you DO NOT have to stay in relationships with people who have hurt you. I don't care what your cultural, religious, or gender norms say! You deserve to be safe and if you are not safe, get safe! ️

Welcome to "I Usta Be Monique's" New home!

It's been several months since we lost Karyn Washington, founder of the Dark Skin, Red Lips Project and For Brown Girls  but a day has not passed when I have not thought of  her and the countless other girls and women we have lost to violence and trauma since her passing. Karyn's passing was both shocking and triggering yet it was also transformative in my own journey in healing. In the face of her horrible and untimely death I was forced to realize that I am still here. We are still here. Still raging. Still hurting. Still dancing. Still demanding more from our world. Still clawing at life. At justice. At healing. Together.

I was inspired to begin this blog/open diary to share my own survival of child sexual trauma and depression as well as my politics of justice. It is space for my testimony, which I am finally ready to share with others but also a space that I hope that we can dialog and generate new imaginings of our collective healing. Ideally it will also become a space for action and justice.

As a newbie to blogging, I initially began on user friendly Tumblr, but have put on my big girl britches and have migrated my blog here in my permanent text friendly location. Thank you to those who read my very first vulnerable words there and for encouraging me to keep speaking my truth and sharing my perspective

. For those new to this space, feel free to read my early posts and join me on this lifelong and intertwined journey of joy and pain.

My Grannie: The Brazen One, The Believer

She who dared to ask me what haunted me. She who believed me the second I told her. She who loves me, nurtures me, BELIEVES me, stands by me and protects me. My Grannie.

Mother's Day 2014: Honoring the ally-partners that love us

My life partner and co-parent has truly amplified my joy and has witnessed my struggles through my pain, respectfully, non-judgmentally and tenderly. Together we created 3 unique versions of perfection. They remind me daily that though they are of me, their journeys are their own. For these lessons, I am grateful.

Pain and Joy

These photos were taken during my jr and sr yrs of high school. My father was also sexually abusing me or terrorizing me with the threat of being raped during that same time frame. Joy and pain often coexist. We cannot assume that trauma is readily visible. We must come to understand that the loud silence of pain is real and often wears a smile. But when I look at these pics, I do also see authentic joy in my eyes. So thankful to know that my spirit continued to shine through the darkness.

You own everything that happened to you

Starting this blog is both affirming and terrifying. I am emotionally undone today. Tears. Excitement. Self preservation. Vulnerable. Exposed.